The Interview

Many years ago, at the prime of my dating streak I became involved with somebody that I met in a bar.

I was in a on-and-off three year relationship at the time and he had just broken up with a girlfriend of four years. Somehow finding each other seemed to be ideal for us at the time because neither one of us wanted a huge commitment but we still missed the comforts of a relationship so it was only natural we found our way into one.

When we first started dating it was clear to us that we were sort of on the rebound and we did not expect too much of it. But as time went by and a month went by, we were spending almost every day together or so. I was staying over at his place all the time and getting ready in the mornings to go to work. He wanted me to go to his baseball games and ultimate frisbee games and I did not mind one bit. He introduced me to his friends, took me to parties, took me on double dates with his best friend and he made me and Brooke breakfast. How could I not like him, a guy that enjoyed spending time with me and vice versa and who got along well with my best friend!

Because he had been in his previous relationship for a while, I had to come to terms with the fact that he had chosen to stay friends with his ex. I did not mind this because I never felt threatened by her. Call it cockiness, call it confidence or maybe immaturity on my part but I knew that I had nothing to worry about.

I guess he had not told her that he had moved on so quickly because one day as I was going into his house, she happened to drive by to drop off some of his stuff. We encountered each other in the driveway and I knew who she was but she clearly was surprised to see me. I had done my Facebook creeping and seen old pictures of them; I always like to do my homework when getting into any kind of relationship.

I guess she felt hurt or threatened because as he came out she said out loud to him “Is this your new flavour of the week?” Clearly I was NOT happy about this remark but he assured me that she clearly was not over their relationship and I can imagine anyone would feel hurt seeing your recent ex with a new girlfriend. It was only natural that I did not like her either, so following that day, any encounters we had, clearly there was an exchange of bad remarks towards each other.Him and I broke things off after about five or six months. I guess both of us lost interest in the relationship and we were not able to grow as a couple. We did not stay friends but we also did not end things on bad terms. As years went by, we never saw each other or spoke to each other so that was the end of that. This was over three to four years ago.

Last year I was looking for a new job and started going on several interviews. I applied for a job that seemed to be a great opportunity for me and a few days later I got a phone call. The girl called me and we had a pre screening phone interview which I did well on as she said she wanted me to go in and meet her. She told me she would e-mail me the interview details and that she looked forward to meeting me. As I went to check my inbox with the interview details, my heart skipped a beat as I saw her name in my inbox. I remembered the guy’s ex I dated had a very distinct last name and I was shocked to see this in my inbox.

I did not know how to react and I tried to assure myself that this was not the same person. I really wanted to go to the interview but the idea of seeing her again was not something I wanted to do. I text messaged the guy, hoping he still had the same number and asked him whether she worked for the company I had applied for. A few minutes later, my phone went off and I had received a reply saying “Yes.” These are situations that I would read about and laugh at but ones that I never thought would happen to me.

I asked my friends what to do and was told that she probably did not remember me and to go ahead for the interview. Some told me to not bother as I would probably be awkward enough going and that would just make me feel worse. In the end, I was convinced that she would probably not remember me as she had asked me to go in and to just go ahead. I decided to be mature, take my chance and go to the interview. What did I have to lose in the end.

I showed up to the interview and was told that she would be with me in a moment. As I sat there for five minutes, it seemed like forever. But as I looked up I saw HER walking towards me. At that moment I felt really uncomfortable but her welcoming smile and handshake somehow convinced me that she really had forgotten about me. The interview went well and she started sharing stories with me about how many years ago she went to Thailand and had a great time. I pretended like this was all news to me when I had heard all the stories from our ex. In the end she told me she would keep in touch and she gave me a hug. A hug, how awkward was that.

I went home and felt somehow silly for having over analysed the whole situation. So I waited to see if I would hear back, but I didn’t. I ended up not getting the job but shortly after I got the job I have today which I love. Ironically enough, a week after I was at a bar with Brooke and as we were on the dance floor, I gazed over at the crowd and noticed my ex from three or four years ago. I thought I was seeing things but as we called out his name he came over to me and asked me how I was. Clearly, we still had the same attraction to each other because he came over afterwards. As we started catching up, he brought up my interview with his ex and asked me how it was. I told him it went well but I didn’t get the job.

He confessed that she knew it was me all along, and she had called and asked him if she should call me for an interview or not. He told her to give me a chance because my candidacy for the job should not be affected based on the fact that we had a “situation ” with him. In the end, he said she took his advice and I apparently was the best candidate but her pride and inability to get over what happened overcame her and she settled for hiring someone else. Now I can look back and find humour in the situation but I can assure you that while it happened to me I felt like the universe was playing a silly trick on me. In the end, I’m glad to see that even for the interview she was able to muster up the courage and see me and give me a chance and that ironically enough, he was the reason she had the courage to do so.

Have any of you ever been in an awkward situation? How did you handle it and what would you have done if you were me?

Mckenzie

The Big Red Book: The Mission

Lets open another chapter of the Big Red Book but this time, lets all be prepared to get very uncomfortable.

Back in high school, I was more or less a ghost. I never got the guy I wanted, and there weren’t too many who hung out with me. I was extremely shy, and kind of weird… The weird part of me is still around, but people like it these days! There was a guy in my history class and many other classes throughout those four years. We’ll call him Lispy due to his lisp. Self explanatory, no? Anyways, Lispy was outgoing, smoked both weed and cigarettes, and was pretty much the opposite of me. I thought he was cute in an unconventional way. He literally sat facing me in our History class and didn’t know who I was.

On my 19^th birthday, I was supposed to meet some friends at the bar, but as many of us do, I never made it. I felt pretty bad because the friends who never really went out to the bars had made an effort to meet me there and I was too wasted to go. I called them the next day one by one thanking them for going and apologizing for not making it. My one friend said it was no big deal, and that he had gone with some friends. One had been from our high school. I asked for his number even though I hadn’t ever spoken to him, and decided to call him thanking him and apologizing too since he had equally made somewhat of an effort. This guy answered the phone, and through the lisp, I wondered if it was who I knew of in high school. He thought my apologizing was the sweetest thing since we “had never met.” He asked if I wanted to get together for coffee, and I agreed because I thought he was a really funny guy as we had been talking.

When we met, I knew who he was. I said hello to him, expecting him to mention something about being in the same classes. He had no idea I even went to his high school, even after explaining where I sat at lunch and who I hung out with. After being offended but hiding it well, I decided that I wasn’t going to let the ghost that was me in high school get bullied by the popular guy. I decided then that I would date him even though the word girlfriend made me gag a little. I was 19 after all, and just transferred to a university filled with hot men.

Over time he fell for me. I just pulled the fun girl moves and made it work. We hung out and had good times, but honestly there’s not too much I can recall except making out in his single bed with his bunny rabbit in the living room, who he was obsessed with.

Finally, we decided it was time to have sex. Well, I was looking forward to this since it had been some months and I wanted to see what he was packing. It was not impressive. I won’t hold it against him because I have seen smaller, it just didn’t do anything for me. His body was better than I imagined, however, and it seemed to even out. As we started going at it, he did a funny position with him on his knees and me around his waist, which you usually get to later. As it was our first time and had no idea if he was a freaky one, I said “Let’s just do missionary,” since that wasn’t satisfying ANYTHING. His response: Isn’t this missionary?

WHO DOESN’T KNOW MISSIONARY POSITION?

If you have seen ANY movie in the later 90’s to present day (hell, even TV shows) someone will begin to have sex and the default position is missionary.

Anyways, this “relationship” continued longer, maybe because I thought I could fix it, maybe because I wanted to break his heart for all those days in high school. Regardless of the reason, it droned on taking a toll on my sexuality. When we had sex it was immediately a chore, not that it took as long as dishes, but I had to pretend he was doing a good job. I used to have a time correcting a guy or showing him what I like. The poor Lispy thought he was doing a good job.

One night at his apartment, listening to his bunny rabbit wiggling around in those wood shavings, Lispy and I had sex and I stayed over. As McKenzie was around throughout this “relationship” and I had texted her with all the juicy deets, I felt compelled as Lispy slept to text her with how terrible my experience had just been. It was about 1 or 2 in the morning and I was quite tired, but was so dissatisfied I needed to have someone outraged with me at the lack of sexual knowledge.

I sent McKenzie a text saying “Worst. Sex. Ever.” At that moment I heard Lispy’s phone go off. I looked at my phone: Last Text Message Sent To: Lispy.

Has your heart ever literally stopped? Mine did that night.

McKenzie and Lispy’s names started with the same letter and I accidentily sent it to him. Could I let it go and just leave him sleeping? I’m not that heartless.

He woke up and asked if that was his phone that went off. I said no, and he said he was going to the washroom. This was a time when cell phones weren’t as important to check as now, and I thank technology for that. I went into his pocket and got his phone, trying to decipher how to delete the text message since his phone was something I didn’t know how to use. I managed to delete it at the moment Lispy was in sight. He went back to sleep and that was the end of it… Or was it?

Our cell phone provider’s text message service was screwed up at the time and had randomly been sending double messages. My luck was in that day. Not really. His phone went off again. I don’t know if my guardian angel of sex was watching over me that day but he fell right asleep and I deleted the second one half dead from my heart attack. He never found out, but I most certainly learned a lesson. Wait until you aren’t tired and can read to send a text message, but also don’t bother having bad sex for months.

Needless to say the next day I stopped receiving messages and calls, and he still hates me to this day. I was just happy I didn’t have the awkward conversation of “that text was actually for McKenzie.”

Mr. Awkward

I would like to share my date with Mr. Awkward. I have nicknamed him that because he fits the definition of awkward so well that it is kind of ridiculous but funny at the same time.

After we met online after a few weeks of text messaging, we finally set up a day and time to meet. Luckily or unluckily enough; he happened to be living just a block from me, what a coincidence!

The plans involved coffee and walking around the city, talking and getting to know one another. Within the first two minutes of seeing him, he smiled at me and started to walk towards me but as he was walking he bumped into the handlebars of a bike that was chained to a pole on the sidewalk. We laughed about it and I thought it was a good way to start off the date; humour definitely can calm down those first date jitters.  I soon realized that this was not the first or last time he was going to be bumping or walking into something. Within the hour that we were walking, he stumbled over his own feet about five times, got his sleeve caught in a doorknob as someone was coming out of a store , spilled coffee all over himself and would constantly do the awkward shuffle when people walking in front of him would try to get around us.

At first it was funny and I brushed it off but afterwards I realized he was a huge klutz. We ended the night by getting ice cream and sitting in a park talking. The date was actually not bad disregarding the fact that he told me he was taking classes for hypnosis and could hypnotize anyone.That kind of sounded weird to me, what if he hypnotized me and tried to get all the dirt on me? Thankfully we didn’t get into that, or did we? Maybe I was hypnotized and have no recollection of it! Guess I’ll never know now.

Despite his clumsiness and the talk about hypnosis, I decided to give him another chance. I felt like I was being too harsh judging him on a first date. Maybe he was very shy and nervous the first time around and he was kind of cute too.  We were supposed to meet for sushi on the Sunday at a nearby place but Saturday night he messaged me late at night after the bar. He was at an all-you- can eat sushi place up my street with his friends and he wanted me to join him. I had been out that night too and had a few drinks so I told him it wasn’t a good idea. I did not want to do anything“stupid” as I was taking the dating thing seriously and I also did not think  seeing each other drunk or meeting his friends the second time we saw each other would be the best idea.

He finally convinced me to go so I walked over there. His friends were extremely annoying and within ten minutes I wanted to leave.  There were guys in the group as well as girls who from the impression I got, seemed to be their girlfriends. The girls were extremely critical and were badmouthing each other the minute one of them would leave the restaurant. Mr.Awkward was clearly more intoxicated than anybody else because the whole time we were there, he was staring off into space completely inebriated out of his mind and not saying one word.

After an hour or so, we were the last two people there and finally decided to leave and walk back home. He said he would “walk” me home and I say “walk” in quotes because when we stepped outside of the restaurant he could barely stand let alone walk. He seemed to have turned into Jell-O and lost all control of his legs so unfortunately LUCKY me; I had to help him walk home. I had to drag him across the street as he tripped over his own feet, this was not very attractive and clearly I had no desire to ever see him again whatsoever. It seemed like ages before we reached my house and since mine was on the way to his he convinced me that he would make it home alright from there. At thispoint I really did not care to have a 200 pound man hanging off of me, which resembleda jelly fish so I told him to have a goodnight and was about to walk away. But, just when I thought the night couldn’t get anymore interesting, he leaned over, threw himself on me and planted a big wet sloppy kiss on my mouth. I stood there frozen, unsure of what to do but slowly pushed him away, said goodnight and ran inside, he muttered some drunk mumble jumble which might have been “Goodnight” but I really did not care at this point.

The next day (Sunday) he text messaged me saying that he wasn’t feeling so great for our sushi date. I told him based on the amount he drank the night before I completely figure that would happen. He tried to make excuses or justify himself but I think he realized he had embarrassed himself and used the hangover as an excuse. I truly do believe that if anyone in the dating world is serious about meeting a mate, seeing them drunk out of your mind or drinking like a goldfish on a date is really the biggest mistake one can make. Maybe he felt that alcohol would give him the confidence he lacked on the first date but the second time around was probably even worse.

For obvious reasons, we never spoke again, then about a year later when I joined the online dating site again, I noticed he had viewed my profile but did not message me; I wonder why!

Have you ever had an experience where either you or your date got a bit too drunk? How did you react to that, would you give them another chance?

Would you expect a second chance is that was you?

Oh Sh*t.

This weekend I was hanging out with a guy that I actually like. I was impressed because asked if I wanted to come over to watch a movie and he would make me dinner. I think it’s great when a guy asks if he can cook for you. Not only does it save some money, but also it gives him a chance to show off his skills and make you attracted to his manly way with food. Also, I’m attracted to food on its own so it’s just a really big bonus when a guy can cook. So I went over right after work and we hung out for the afternoon. It was a lot of fun but then I really felt the need… to fart. Have you ever been hanging out with a guy and you just need to let one go? I’m sure you have. If you haven’t, well good for you but it’s pretty human so I’m pretty sure you’re lying to yourself.

So there I was, sitting in the kitchen with him talking about whatever and I just desperately needed to let one go. I said I needed to check my phone and I went into his room hoping to catch a moment of silence for a deadly need. He followed me in because he wanted to put his slippers on (HOW CUTE IS THAT). Needless to say, I didn’t get my window of opportunity.

Then when I thought I was in the clear to go to the washroom, his roommates came home. 4 of them. You know now they’re roaming the house and there’s not one place just fart! What do you do in that situation? I know that Mckenzie agrees with me when we say we can’t just fart in front of a guy. I mean I guess if he’s your boyfriend it’s a lot easier but there’s no way that I can fart in front of a guy I like who wears slippers.

But now, I didn’t just have to fart. I couldn’t just sh*t in a 3 bedroom apartment that has 4 roommates. I just couldn’t do it. Everyone was in close proximity and all talking. Do you think me coming out of the washroom and someone going in right after me wouldn’t say anything? These guys talk! I don’t want to be the girl that shat.

I messaged Mckenzie sharing my dilemma with her and she shared one of her so-called “tricks” with me. Ask to go for a coffee and as soon as you arrive in the coffee shop confess that you must desperately use the washroom. Needles to say, I sat in discomfort for THREE hours before I could do anything. Thank God his roommates went to the beer store.

It seems that using the washroom for a number 2 and farting are almost like steps in a relationship that we dread having to take but must be faced one day. We know that everybody poops and farts, but when do we come out to the person we are so attracted to or the one we love and let them come to the realization that unfortunately girls do fart and poop and it does NOT smell like flowers.

Is there an amount of time that one should wait? Is there a sign or an indication that now it’s okay to expel gas near someone you’re dating or your significant other…how do you know? This milestone in any relationship seems to be one that is unavoidable but how does one make the transition smoothly without feeling embarrassed? Unless you carry <a href=”http://poopourri.com/”>PooPourri</a> in your purse?

Please tell  us…seriously we really want to know!

Brooke and Mckenzie