Best Friends

 

I know I usually am the one to take you to a story of passion or entertainment, but there’s a subject that you should read about. After all, this is how the blog started! The best friend is the one who will always be there for you no matter what. Brooke and McKenzie have obviously been together for longer than any man has lasted in our lives. We met in high school and it wasn’t love at first sight until we formed a bond over how boring driving school was. It’s really too bad you can’t marry your best friend (unless you’re gay or the opposite sex) because to tell you the truth, I can’t think of someone who can make me laugh more, feel for, and completely trust.

The fact is, you will never find a man as good as your best friend, and if you do that means he is your best friend. They are the people that are there for better or worse and thick or thin. They are the people that tell you you’re gaining weight too rapidly with a look, and who you don’t have to say sorry to when you accidently touch them with your bare foot. Through it all, we have become stronger and given advice to each other whether we accepted it or not. We have been more honest with each other than with ourselves, and got carpel tunnel from the constant texting of what’s going on in our lives… even if they already know.

With all that, however, we continue to give each other hope that there is in fact a person out there that is willing to accept us for who we are, and who we can be honest to. Maybe not as honest as we are in this blog, but close! They will accept our love for each other and our dogs. They will greet my best friend with a demeanour as if they have known us for years. They will in entirety exist, because we managed to find each other so it can’t be impossible.

Through the bad and the good, best friends are there for each other. We will help each other in the search for the man of their dreams so we can stand in hot bridesmaids dresses as the maid of honour. We will never choose a bridesmaid’s dress that will make the other look anything less than, “Damn you fine.”

This is a promise to my best friend, we will not give up on each other… and if no man can handle our hilarity, we’ll live on a ranch and have sperm donor babies. People in the town may think we’re weird, or gay, but that’s ok—they’ll get the hint once the pool boy comes for a visit!

 

The Crooked Sext

 

Ah texting! The art of turning any situation into a sexual one if only given a little nudge. Sexting, texting pics, and receiving some nakedness on your phone is a joyous way to have a good day, but how far do you go?

I bring it up because of a few text messages have graced the screen of my phone these past few months. There has been a guy on the other side of the country sending me sleepy body pictures, one in Toronto sending me silly pictures of whatever he finds funny, but who I will focus on is Mister Crooked Peen. This is a man who loves to take pictures of his body and send them to me. Why do men feel the need to share a picture of their junk with me? In all honesty, I judge it and say, “Hm, that’s actually not too bad.” Either that or I’ll say to McKenzie “This guy sent me a picture of his penis and it was crooked.” Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing negative about a crooked penis, and it’s great he’s confident in it. But when you send me a picture of it, in all of its crooked glory and it turns out to be an angle where you can see he just dropped his drawers and still has the slippers his mother gave him on his birthday, you just can’t help but laugh.

I enjoy a good dirty picture now and then, especially when I’m in the mood– but the problem with sending one is the time in which your recipient will see it. Will it be at dinner with their grandparents? Will it be first thing in the morning before their coffee? Will it be right before a meal to initiate loss of appetite? It’s a question people really don’t consider often before sending their horny pictures to their lovers. In this case, I was coming home from my day, which had been filled with hard work and I was hungry and tired. Well, I wasn’t hungry for that. Crooked peen just sent that giant image right on over, and said along with it “I hope this brightens your day.”

How in the hell could a penis picture brighten my day you say? Well, it can. By starting a post on it. Don’t send a hungry, opposite-of-horny-at-the-moment girl a picture of your crooked penis. It just makes me laugh. It really does brighten the day with a smile, but in no way does it turn me on. I think you, our readers, know that we are sexual beings. I have my moments of sexual, but sometimes I am just not into it. At all. Well, today was the day I was not into it. All I could do was laugh.

My response to Crooked Peen was “It is a bright day indeed.” The problem is he took this as an invite to send more. If you had read that in my very normal, sarcastic tone, anyone would understand that is not a compliment, nor an invitation. It was just meant to be a sort of avoidance with a little sexual connotation so he wouldn’t feel embarrassed. I should have let him be embarrassed. Was I supposed to respond with “Please stop sending pictures, all I do is make fun of them,”? I think that would have been a blow to his ego. Instead I chose to almost avoid the subject by not mentioning anything about the giant penis invading my phone, and what do I get? I get bombardments of pictures throughout the rest of the day and week from him. I have been ignoring them, however, his body is something to appreciate.

When I’m in that kind of a mood, I don’t mind getting a picture of a body, but it usually just makes me think of how full of himself the guy is. Especially how confident and willing they are to send it to someone they haven’t even slept with. It’s almost as though he’s trying to advertise himself to say that if I like what I see I can contact him at 1-800-crooked-peen. So I say do some investigating as to the mood of the recipient of the text and hope that they don’t fall asleep before looking at it or you risk an awkward morning reply of “wow” or “HAHAHAHAHA.”

What do you think? How do you prefer your body pics? Crooked or straight?

The Interview

Many years ago, at the prime of my dating streak I became involved with somebody that I met in a bar.

I was in a on-and-off three year relationship at the time and he had just broken up with a girlfriend of four years. Somehow finding each other seemed to be ideal for us at the time because neither one of us wanted a huge commitment but we still missed the comforts of a relationship so it was only natural we found our way into one.

When we first started dating it was clear to us that we were sort of on the rebound and we did not expect too much of it. But as time went by and a month went by, we were spending almost every day together or so. I was staying over at his place all the time and getting ready in the mornings to go to work. He wanted me to go to his baseball games and ultimate frisbee games and I did not mind one bit. He introduced me to his friends, took me to parties, took me on double dates with his best friend and he made me and Brooke breakfast. How could I not like him, a guy that enjoyed spending time with me and vice versa and who got along well with my best friend!

Because he had been in his previous relationship for a while, I had to come to terms with the fact that he had chosen to stay friends with his ex. I did not mind this because I never felt threatened by her. Call it cockiness, call it confidence or maybe immaturity on my part but I knew that I had nothing to worry about.

I guess he had not told her that he had moved on so quickly because one day as I was going into his house, she happened to drive by to drop off some of his stuff. We encountered each other in the driveway and I knew who she was but she clearly was surprised to see me. I had done my Facebook creeping and seen old pictures of them; I always like to do my homework when getting into any kind of relationship.

I guess she felt hurt or threatened because as he came out she said out loud to him “Is this your new flavour of the week?” Clearly I was NOT happy about this remark but he assured me that she clearly was not over their relationship and I can imagine anyone would feel hurt seeing your recent ex with a new girlfriend. It was only natural that I did not like her either, so following that day, any encounters we had, clearly there was an exchange of bad remarks towards each other.Him and I broke things off after about five or six months. I guess both of us lost interest in the relationship and we were not able to grow as a couple. We did not stay friends but we also did not end things on bad terms. As years went by, we never saw each other or spoke to each other so that was the end of that. This was over three to four years ago.

Last year I was looking for a new job and started going on several interviews. I applied for a job that seemed to be a great opportunity for me and a few days later I got a phone call. The girl called me and we had a pre screening phone interview which I did well on as she said she wanted me to go in and meet her. She told me she would e-mail me the interview details and that she looked forward to meeting me. As I went to check my inbox with the interview details, my heart skipped a beat as I saw her name in my inbox. I remembered the guy’s ex I dated had a very distinct last name and I was shocked to see this in my inbox.

I did not know how to react and I tried to assure myself that this was not the same person. I really wanted to go to the interview but the idea of seeing her again was not something I wanted to do. I text messaged the guy, hoping he still had the same number and asked him whether she worked for the company I had applied for. A few minutes later, my phone went off and I had received a reply saying “Yes.” These are situations that I would read about and laugh at but ones that I never thought would happen to me.

I asked my friends what to do and was told that she probably did not remember me and to go ahead for the interview. Some told me to not bother as I would probably be awkward enough going and that would just make me feel worse. In the end, I was convinced that she would probably not remember me as she had asked me to go in and to just go ahead. I decided to be mature, take my chance and go to the interview. What did I have to lose in the end.

I showed up to the interview and was told that she would be with me in a moment. As I sat there for five minutes, it seemed like forever. But as I looked up I saw HER walking towards me. At that moment I felt really uncomfortable but her welcoming smile and handshake somehow convinced me that she really had forgotten about me. The interview went well and she started sharing stories with me about how many years ago she went to Thailand and had a great time. I pretended like this was all news to me when I had heard all the stories from our ex. In the end she told me she would keep in touch and she gave me a hug. A hug, how awkward was that.

I went home and felt somehow silly for having over analysed the whole situation. So I waited to see if I would hear back, but I didn’t. I ended up not getting the job but shortly after I got the job I have today which I love. Ironically enough, a week after I was at a bar with Brooke and as we were on the dance floor, I gazed over at the crowd and noticed my ex from three or four years ago. I thought I was seeing things but as we called out his name he came over to me and asked me how I was. Clearly, we still had the same attraction to each other because he came over afterwards. As we started catching up, he brought up my interview with his ex and asked me how it was. I told him it went well but I didn’t get the job.

He confessed that she knew it was me all along, and she had called and asked him if she should call me for an interview or not. He told her to give me a chance because my candidacy for the job should not be affected based on the fact that we had a “situation ” with him. In the end, he said she took his advice and I apparently was the best candidate but her pride and inability to get over what happened overcame her and she settled for hiring someone else. Now I can look back and find humour in the situation but I can assure you that while it happened to me I felt like the universe was playing a silly trick on me. In the end, I’m glad to see that even for the interview she was able to muster up the courage and see me and give me a chance and that ironically enough, he was the reason she had the courage to do so.

Have any of you ever been in an awkward situation? How did you handle it and what would you have done if you were me?

Mckenzie

The Sex Strike

So as you are all likely aware this was the first week back from the holidays. Perhaps some of you were back before, but it was the first real week back for school kids and all the stragglers from the offices. This was also the week I got extremely down from reality. I was on the Subway and reflected on the past year in men. I had some ups, some downs, some never ending lovers. I also had a relationship that ended quite roughly creating some much needed rebound sex. Once I got to my stop on the line, I wondered, what’s the point. The men from 2011 fit into the following categories: man whores, guys from my past (which I already advised you against), one nighters, guys that simply didn’t care, or friends. What is enticing about that? Nothing. Although fun, and much needed, I discovered that even my relationship was unsatisfying in the end. The problem is I couldn’t care enough about any of those men.

Its safe to say my judgement has been pretty bad and I haven’t listened to my heart. My heart is the one who has been hurting, screaming at me telling me I’m going down the wrong path with men. No kidding, if I weren’t down the wrong path, this blog wouldn’t have me in it. It sure makes for entertaining stories though!

After realizing that I knew what I was doing but who I was doing it with were all wrong, I decided on my subway stop to make a pact. A pact with myself. This is when I decided to listen to the heart, and put in place, the sex strike of 2012. I have made a pact with myself to keep my body untouched until I am with a guy who I ACTUALLY like and who GENUINELY likes me back. No, it doesn’t have to be love but it does need to be reciprocal. Being one who does not necessarily do relationships, I think this is the biggest challenge for me. I’m in my mid 20’s, and its time to treat my body and sanity like the awesome bitch that it is. Hell, ill still tell you about my past sexcapades because they’re hilarious, but as for new stories I hope not to have any ones to tell you… Although I know a few of you enjoy the warm and fuzzy stories (that I have never told).
Do you ever feel like you’re meant for better? I do. I may be a hopeless romantic; I really wouldn’t call myself one. Everyone just has a little hopeless romantic in them. I just think its a challenge that I need. Its been 10 days and it’s already difficult, I can feel myself getting angry at the men I know because they don’t care as they should… And I really enjoy sexcapades!!! But its time for better things (men), so here goes the dates of 2012 to hunt for a guy who is special.

Your sexless friend,

Brooke

The Big Red Book: The Mission

Lets open another chapter of the Big Red Book but this time, lets all be prepared to get very uncomfortable.

Back in high school, I was more or less a ghost. I never got the guy I wanted, and there weren’t too many who hung out with me. I was extremely shy, and kind of weird… The weird part of me is still around, but people like it these days! There was a guy in my history class and many other classes throughout those four years. We’ll call him Lispy due to his lisp. Self explanatory, no? Anyways, Lispy was outgoing, smoked both weed and cigarettes, and was pretty much the opposite of me. I thought he was cute in an unconventional way. He literally sat facing me in our History class and didn’t know who I was.

On my 19^th birthday, I was supposed to meet some friends at the bar, but as many of us do, I never made it. I felt pretty bad because the friends who never really went out to the bars had made an effort to meet me there and I was too wasted to go. I called them the next day one by one thanking them for going and apologizing for not making it. My one friend said it was no big deal, and that he had gone with some friends. One had been from our high school. I asked for his number even though I hadn’t ever spoken to him, and decided to call him thanking him and apologizing too since he had equally made somewhat of an effort. This guy answered the phone, and through the lisp, I wondered if it was who I knew of in high school. He thought my apologizing was the sweetest thing since we “had never met.” He asked if I wanted to get together for coffee, and I agreed because I thought he was a really funny guy as we had been talking.

When we met, I knew who he was. I said hello to him, expecting him to mention something about being in the same classes. He had no idea I even went to his high school, even after explaining where I sat at lunch and who I hung out with. After being offended but hiding it well, I decided that I wasn’t going to let the ghost that was me in high school get bullied by the popular guy. I decided then that I would date him even though the word girlfriend made me gag a little. I was 19 after all, and just transferred to a university filled with hot men.

Over time he fell for me. I just pulled the fun girl moves and made it work. We hung out and had good times, but honestly there’s not too much I can recall except making out in his single bed with his bunny rabbit in the living room, who he was obsessed with.

Finally, we decided it was time to have sex. Well, I was looking forward to this since it had been some months and I wanted to see what he was packing. It was not impressive. I won’t hold it against him because I have seen smaller, it just didn’t do anything for me. His body was better than I imagined, however, and it seemed to even out. As we started going at it, he did a funny position with him on his knees and me around his waist, which you usually get to later. As it was our first time and had no idea if he was a freaky one, I said “Let’s just do missionary,” since that wasn’t satisfying ANYTHING. His response: Isn’t this missionary?

WHO DOESN’T KNOW MISSIONARY POSITION?

If you have seen ANY movie in the later 90’s to present day (hell, even TV shows) someone will begin to have sex and the default position is missionary.

Anyways, this “relationship” continued longer, maybe because I thought I could fix it, maybe because I wanted to break his heart for all those days in high school. Regardless of the reason, it droned on taking a toll on my sexuality. When we had sex it was immediately a chore, not that it took as long as dishes, but I had to pretend he was doing a good job. I used to have a time correcting a guy or showing him what I like. The poor Lispy thought he was doing a good job.

One night at his apartment, listening to his bunny rabbit wiggling around in those wood shavings, Lispy and I had sex and I stayed over. As McKenzie was around throughout this “relationship” and I had texted her with all the juicy deets, I felt compelled as Lispy slept to text her with how terrible my experience had just been. It was about 1 or 2 in the morning and I was quite tired, but was so dissatisfied I needed to have someone outraged with me at the lack of sexual knowledge.

I sent McKenzie a text saying “Worst. Sex. Ever.” At that moment I heard Lispy’s phone go off. I looked at my phone: Last Text Message Sent To: Lispy.

Has your heart ever literally stopped? Mine did that night.

McKenzie and Lispy’s names started with the same letter and I accidentily sent it to him. Could I let it go and just leave him sleeping? I’m not that heartless.

He woke up and asked if that was his phone that went off. I said no, and he said he was going to the washroom. This was a time when cell phones weren’t as important to check as now, and I thank technology for that. I went into his pocket and got his phone, trying to decipher how to delete the text message since his phone was something I didn’t know how to use. I managed to delete it at the moment Lispy was in sight. He went back to sleep and that was the end of it… Or was it?

Our cell phone provider’s text message service was screwed up at the time and had randomly been sending double messages. My luck was in that day. Not really. His phone went off again. I don’t know if my guardian angel of sex was watching over me that day but he fell right asleep and I deleted the second one half dead from my heart attack. He never found out, but I most certainly learned a lesson. Wait until you aren’t tired and can read to send a text message, but also don’t bother having bad sex for months.

Needless to say the next day I stopped receiving messages and calls, and he still hates me to this day. I was just happy I didn’t have the awkward conversation of “that text was actually for McKenzie.”