The Crooked Sext

 

Ah texting! The art of turning any situation into a sexual one if only given a little nudge. Sexting, texting pics, and receiving some nakedness on your phone is a joyous way to have a good day, but how far do you go?

I bring it up because of a few text messages have graced the screen of my phone these past few months. There has been a guy on the other side of the country sending me sleepy body pictures, one in Toronto sending me silly pictures of whatever he finds funny, but who I will focus on is Mister Crooked Peen. This is a man who loves to take pictures of his body and send them to me. Why do men feel the need to share a picture of their junk with me? In all honesty, I judge it and say, “Hm, that’s actually not too bad.” Either that or I’ll say to McKenzie “This guy sent me a picture of his penis and it was crooked.” Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing negative about a crooked penis, and it’s great he’s confident in it. But when you send me a picture of it, in all of its crooked glory and it turns out to be an angle where you can see he just dropped his drawers and still has the slippers his mother gave him on his birthday, you just can’t help but laugh.

I enjoy a good dirty picture now and then, especially when I’m in the mood– but the problem with sending one is the time in which your recipient will see it. Will it be at dinner with their grandparents? Will it be first thing in the morning before their coffee? Will it be right before a meal to initiate loss of appetite? It’s a question people really don’t consider often before sending their horny pictures to their lovers. In this case, I was coming home from my day, which had been filled with hard work and I was hungry and tired. Well, I wasn’t hungry for that. Crooked peen just sent that giant image right on over, and said along with it “I hope this brightens your day.”

How in the hell could a penis picture brighten my day you say? Well, it can. By starting a post on it. Don’t send a hungry, opposite-of-horny-at-the-moment girl a picture of your crooked penis. It just makes me laugh. It really does brighten the day with a smile, but in no way does it turn me on. I think you, our readers, know that we are sexual beings. I have my moments of sexual, but sometimes I am just not into it. At all. Well, today was the day I was not into it. All I could do was laugh.

My response to Crooked Peen was “It is a bright day indeed.” The problem is he took this as an invite to send more. If you had read that in my very normal, sarcastic tone, anyone would understand that is not a compliment, nor an invitation. It was just meant to be a sort of avoidance with a little sexual connotation so he wouldn’t feel embarrassed. I should have let him be embarrassed. Was I supposed to respond with “Please stop sending pictures, all I do is make fun of them,”? I think that would have been a blow to his ego. Instead I chose to almost avoid the subject by not mentioning anything about the giant penis invading my phone, and what do I get? I get bombardments of pictures throughout the rest of the day and week from him. I have been ignoring them, however, his body is something to appreciate.

When I’m in that kind of a mood, I don’t mind getting a picture of a body, but it usually just makes me think of how full of himself the guy is. Especially how confident and willing they are to send it to someone they haven’t even slept with. It’s almost as though he’s trying to advertise himself to say that if I like what I see I can contact him at 1-800-crooked-peen. So I say do some investigating as to the mood of the recipient of the text and hope that they don’t fall asleep before looking at it or you risk an awkward morning reply of “wow” or “HAHAHAHAHA.”

What do you think? How do you prefer your body pics? Crooked or straight?