The molds we create

20 Nov

We want to start off this post by thanking all of our followers and expressing how happy we are with all your comments and feedback.

 


As we get older it seems to become extremely obvious that the more we date, the more particular we become about what we look for in a mate.  In other words, we create molds.

These molds include everything from physical appearance to intelligence, wealth and anything else we add to the mix. We can all agree that we have a strong radar, where within a short while of meeting someone we can already determine if we want to ever see them again or not. As we both sit there and talk about traits we find attractive, our list gets bigger and bigger both ways. We have many likes but also quite a big list of dislikes.

I remember once having a high school boyfriend whose parents met through a blind date in high school and had been together ever since. That sounds cute for sure, but I cannot imagine anyone being open to blind dates these days or having them work out in the end. That is because many people are becoming more desperate. Even in a world where we are surrounded by Facebook, twitter and many other social media websites. Some people I have met through online dating have definitely lied about their appearance or lied about important aspects of themselves in general.

Forget blind dates, nowadays before we meet someone we have probably already looked up their Facebook profile, gone through all 1,000 of their pictures, read all of their wall posts and possibly found any dirt on an ex. Once we have stalked them on every level imaginable, my favourite part is going on the first date with them where you feel as if you already know their whole life story.

As they tell you they took a trip to Thailand, you pretend to sound surprised and intrigued but little do they know that you looked at all the pictures of their trip, Albums 1, 2 and 3.When they tell you they have siblings; all of which you have already Facebook stalked, you act surprised because again you cannot give away your immaculate stalker abilities. Then they proceed to say that their last relationship was 2 years ago. This is the moment where you hope that the picture you saw of them embracing someone romantically does in fact fall in the 2 year time period, otherwise they are lying and they have already disqualified themselves!

This is why I believe that blind dates are becoming obsolete. Not only because we are considered weird if we don’t have a Facebook account but also because we have been let down so many times that we still hope to find prince charming who will fit into our mold and pass all of our likes and dislikes with flying colours. Not only do they have to fit into this mold on a first appearance basis, but we also have to be in agreement with their past based on what we have seen on Facebook. If we see that they have constant bar pictures, we clearly label them as someone who is not so serious about commitment. We have already made these decisions most likely without sometimes giving them a chance to explain.

Unfortunately as we create these molds and letting them get more complex for anyone to fit into, we only end up disappointing ourseleves and in the end losing faith in the opposite sex. We have both been in long term relationships where we wanted to find that perfect guy that helped us cook or cooked for us, cleaned (and enjoyed it), did things for us not because they had to but because they were just that sweet, and loved us through good and bad. Unfortunately we were blind to realize that the relationships we were in did not fit in the mold at all and all we were doing was taking two rectangular shapes and trying to shove them in a circle.

I (Mckenzie) remember thinking that the person I was with had a hard time fitting in the mold but because he loved me so much, I had somehow swept him off his feet and made him fit in perfectly. In the end this turned out to be a huge mess. Once we moved in together he started daily arguments about how he changed his mind about living with me, said it was my idea and he was just trying to please me. He also stopped helping me with anything and started complaining that he felt crowded, the relationship went downhill from there.

In Brooke’s situation, she was dating someone who openly talked about not ever wanting to marry and she maybe hoped that he would change his mind for her. The same thing applied to him in terms of having kids, he did not seem to be thrilled at the idea or having any; ever, and unfortunately he was not willing to compromise but being blinded by love she failed to see some of these signs earlier on.

Somehow love blinds us into this reality we create where we not only become very picky but when we are exhausted from looking for the right person, we just try to shove them in our mold because we have either given up looking or we don’t think that we can do any better.

Looking at both of our past relationships now, it’s easy to see what went wrong and we can take this as a lesson and move forward. Should we hold on to this mold we have created and this list of likes and dislikes? Doing that seems as if we are lowering our standards. Or should we not view it that way and become more passive. We often feel like we can change people or believe that someone will fall so madly in love with us that they will just listen to us and not have any objections. Unfortunately this is not always the case and we end up heartbroken.

Is being more flexible with our mold another way of saying we have lowered our standards or a process of growing as people and learning to love people and accept imperfections?

 

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16 Responses to “The molds we create”

  1. bougiehippie November 20, 2011 at 11:26 pm #

    Even with online pics you can’t trust b/c they control those pics I always say look at the tagged pics b/c that how they really look around humans.

    • BROOKEandMCKENZIE November 20, 2011 at 11:27 pm #

      That is definitely a good idea. Not only are we looking for Mr. Right, we need to find Mr. Honest too…great!

  2. jules November 21, 2011 at 4:16 am #

    All I have to say is…. thank god I don’t do Social Networking!!!!

  3. umcheckplease November 21, 2011 at 12:43 pm #

    So in regards to the molds I once read a really great book about love and there was a quote that really stuck with me.

    “You might create a person in your mind of your ideal mate, the person who you would love to love. Then you might attach that to the person who you ahappen to be dating right now. Be careful, because this love is not real, it only exists in your mind.”

    Scary truth to that

    • BROOKEandMCKENZIE November 22, 2011 at 12:15 am #

      That quote describes us and the situations we have been in completely.
      What book was it? Sounds like something I should definitely be reading.

      It really is so true it’s scary, that’s why when others try to tell us that we are making a wrong choice in the beginning we ignore their advice and believe they want us to be unhappy. Then some time passes, when the relationship has dwindled away, and we realize that they were completely right and we cannot think of any reason why we ever felt so differently.

      • umcheckplease November 22, 2011 at 6:17 pm #

        Its an amazing book only like 90 pages but I always read it when I’m in a relationship so I don’t lose touch with reality. Its called “Attracting Your Extraordinary Love”

    • BROOKEandMCKENZIE November 22, 2011 at 10:43 pm #

      Thanks, I will make sure to read it, I think the quote you used is perfect!

  4. brunchforeverymeal November 21, 2011 at 2:20 pm #

    this was so sex and the city!

    i feel like letting go of your mold can go both ways: if you become too flexible with the things that are most important to you then I think you’re just settling or getting desperate. If you are finding good but different qualities that you like in people then maybe you’re not settling you’re just being more open. I mean if I stuck with my perfect mold then I would probably be holding out for Paul Rudd circa Clueless, so I’d be waiting a long time.

    • BROOKEandMCKENZIE November 22, 2011 at 12:13 am #

      Haha…thanks! It’s funny because after I wrote the post, I re-read it and thought the same thing. Well, it was our inspiration after all!

      I love Paul Rudd so thank you for making that reference, how could you not.
      I completely agree and think we must find a happy medium. I have often tried to allow myself to build relationships with people that did not fit my “mold” in any way and I struggled a lot because I felt like I had lost all standards and things that made me…well me. I felt extremely unhappy and ended up in relationships that lacked emotional and physical connection, and without those I’m not sure what’s left.

      Thanks so much for reading! Love the comment!

  5. nelle November 21, 2011 at 4:39 pm #

    Sharing opinions on relationships is not usually something I do with straight folk, so um… excuse this dyke for calling over from a parallel field. After 27.5 years of relationship and 23 11/12 years or marriage, after 57 years of life, and with no interest in partnering with anyone… my best advise.

    You can’t change another to suit you. If you do, if they do so from some initial wish to be pleasant, cooperative, and compromising, ruh roh, not good. People change if they are obsessed with change so much it sears their soul. Absent such will, it won’t work. I lived 43 plus years in a faux gender. In the end, I had to set it right, because it damn near destroyed me. You don’t want to attach your wagon to someone with an issue that will tear their life and your life asunder.

    What you like is what you like. You can’t change someone to be what you desire, but you aren’t playing fair with yourself if you think you can change and accept someone who falls outside your inclinations. Not a wise choice.

    If’n I were interested… people need room to grow and pursue their separate interests.. You can’t smother a partner, and they can’t smother you. The best relationships are when two strong, confident, and independent people are open, honest, and communicative, wilingly choose to live with each other, each knowing and having no issue with the fact if it stopped working each could walk away. When this happens, you don’t stay because of feeling needy. All in all, it deletes drama from the equation. Maybe you like drama, dunno… but there are ways of generating drama that isn’t you know… mean and real. Play act drama where it is fun. You figure it out. 🙂 When there is room to grow, each brings back to the relationship interesting things to discuss beyond “I blew up the copier today.”

    Communicate… if ya have a silent one and you love conversational exploration, no go, that match will frustrate both of you.

    I’ll stop there!

    • BROOKEandMCKENZIE November 22, 2011 at 12:21 am #

      Thank you so much for your comments on this post. It really is great advice from lots of experience.

      It really is true that you would only fool yourself when thinking you can settle for what doesn’t fit your standards and is so far below them. It creates drama in the relationship and have found that usually the person who you believe to not fit your mold or not fit in your standards tends to hold you on a silver platter. This becomes frustrating because as you push them away, they actually fight to hold on and think that suddenly they did something to warrant the change of heart. They may not realize that you were “settling” and denying aspects that were important to you but eventually realized it was just not meant to be.

      Thanks so much for reading our blog and sharing your wonderful insight. We look forward to hearing more 🙂

      Brooke and Mckenzie

  6. elroyjones November 23, 2011 at 8:44 pm #

    Forget the molds and the lists, they won’t tell you what you need to know. When you meet the right person you’ll know it. You won’t have to change a thing about yourself and you won’t want to change a thing about him. The only thing that will matter is being together and taking care of each other.

    Love is more than romance, it’s disagreement because you care, it’s staying up all night through sickness and worry, it’s being strong for each other when a parent dies, it’s selling what you love so you can pay a bill or buy groceries. It’s laughing out loud at yourselves, it’s ice cream on a hard day, cereal for supper when you’re tired, phone calls to hear a friendly voice when your job sucks, saying “I love you” even when you’re still a little bit mad. It’s patience and tenacity. It’s celebrating private victories and personal joys. It’s trust mixed with humor. It’s relinquishing old dreams just so you can be together for all the days of your lives.

    If you keep an open mind, it will find you. Good luck!

    • BROOKEandMCKENZIE November 23, 2011 at 11:35 pm #

      This was beautiful, thank you for sharing that. Very inspiring and true.

      Thanks for stopping by, hope to hear more from you 🙂

      Brooke and Mckenzie

  7. will date for free food November 28, 2011 at 2:58 pm #

    Honestly, I think a general “mold” is okay to have. It means you know what you want and it’s strictly created from past experiences that you should not forget because you learned from them! However, sometimes that right person will come along and they won’t fit into that mold completely. But that’s okay. You just need to know what person is worth letting go of some of these molds. And I think we (yes, WE… because I’m RIGHT THERE with you!) will know exactly who that person is when they come along. =)

  8. Anne-Sophie November 30, 2011 at 3:02 pm #

    Wow all these comments have been awesome! Molds are OK since they can be a guideline and help you keep in mind what’s important to you. What’s trickier is making sure your mold isn’t TOO precise or isn’t based on details that really aren’t that important.

    About lowering standards… this is so difficult to figure out! I’m not sure whether to believe Elroy Jones’ comment about just knowing when you meet that special someone. I hope it’s just because I haven’t met that person yet, but it somehow feels naive to hope I’ll someday meet someone I don’t want to change ANYTHING about. People aren’t perfect after all, and aren’t relationships supposed to be about work, communication and respect anyway?


    Sophie

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