No Baggage

20 Oct

Why it’s important to not have baggage.
I recently read a quote that said: “If you can’t be a good example, act as a horrible warning,” so with what I’m about to share will not be me acting as a horrible warning.

A bit over a year ago I was dating someone I was very serious about. The relationship was extremely rushed and as I kept hitting rock bottom I realized that it was not everything I thought it would be and I had sunk to a whole new low. Everything about the relationship was messy including our break up. We struggled to stay apart although we knew that things would not work out. Letting go was extremely difficult and it was not until I found someone that treated me better, respected me and someone I had the chemistry I had been searching for my whole life, until I could finally move on.

I tried many different methods of moving on from this destructive relationship through online dating. Online dating produced many dates and even a short semi-relationship, but it always lacked that chemistry I was looking for. My heart was still with him and seeing other people made me only want to be with him more. Although he was destructive, at the time he felt like home and that was not a home that I needed to be a part of.

My most desperate attempt to move on was when travelling for work; I casually had drinks with somebody in another city and believed nothing would come of it. He was ten years older and I had never dated somebody significantly older than me so I became interested. We had one night of drinks and when I returned home to Toronto he kept messaging me telling me he still thought of me. After talking for about a month he told me that he was going to take a chance and move to Toronto for me. This should have been a BIG red flag, somebody ten years older having nothing to hold him back and being desperate enough to pick up and move for me, but I was blind.

Based on all the things (lies) he had told me, I felt beyond flattered and saw no reason to not take this as an opportunity to move on. I was not attracted to him; at all, but figured I was being superficial and that I had to stop being so picky if I wanted to ever find love again. I offered for him to stay with me while he looked for his own place and thought for a few weeks it should not be a problem.
By the second week, I already desperately needed him to leave. All the things he had told me gradually started unveiling themselves as lies and I found out that his finances were awful, mainly because he to pay back “people.” He also told me that he had been single for 4 years meaning he had also been sexless for 4 years. That to me was mind boggling and just plain strange. He became obsessive and constantly told me he wanted to marry me right away, gave me foot rubs daily, and ran out every time I wanted something; like a servant, even though I told him it was too much.  When I asked him to leave, he refused and said he couldn’t afford it or that he couldn’t find places. Eventually after much arguing and fighting he left, but constantly messaged me telling me he still loved and missed me like crazy, when I had asked him to never speak to me again. All in all, he was crazy. At this point, I had not one but two obsessive exes not leaving me alone, and I wanted nothing to do with them.

It seems that each relationship I got into, I acquired baggage and it got heavier and heavier. I guess I was never good at closing doors and maybe felt bad being so harsh or maybe I was ending up with people that were extremely emotionally attached and couldn’t handle loss. I figured we can all get the hint that tells you to not contact them EVER again that they actually mean what they say. Fooling yourself ends up not only getting you hurt but also the other person as at that point it becomes harassing behavior.
I finally met the guy I’m dating now and he is wonderful and I felt immediate chemistry like no other, attraction and everything else within our first date. I never thought those things were possible but we’ve always had the most amazing chemistry and continue to do so almost half a year later. After I met him, I felt like layers and layers of baggage were just shedding off of me. I didn’t care about the ex I had so much trouble getting over anymore and I only worried that the obsessive guy would just leave me alone. Regardless I still received messages from both of them from time to time confessing their “undying” but just ignored them and hoped that they would eventually get the hint.

 The other day was our anniversary and I was walking home happy as a clam until I approached my front entrance when I noticed three red roses taped to my door and a note that said “I will always love you.” At first I thought it was an anniversary present being that we were celebrating it but then it suddenly dawned on me that it would be unrealistic to receive flowers from him within a 3 day time span.

My mind started racing and I had chills running down my spine. How do I ask him if he taped flowers to my door if there was a chance that was not really him? I sent him a message that said “I just got home” and he seemed to not imply anything confirming my initial thought.
I decided to call my destructive ex and he admitted to it, this may have seemed romantic at a time when I wanted to actually be with him but at this point I found it to be quite disturbing. I was worried and upset that this baggage would never actually fall off and that he would attempt to ruin my current relationship but I made it known that I was not pleased by his gesture and hung up.

As they say, time heals all so hopefully this baggage will one day disappear for good and they will move on. So if you must learn one thing from me is to run as fast as you can when you come to a realization that something is not right.


6 Responses to “No Baggage”

  1. murdock70 October 21, 2011 at 10:35 am #

    Would have, could have, should have. I married the wrong woman. I thought she was exactly what I wanted/needed. NOPE. Big mistake. She cheated, we got divorced, all within the first year of marriage. Time went by, I dated online. I found someone who I thought was 180 degrees the opposite. Married her.. had kids. Found out they are exactly alike at their core. Turns out it was me.. I drifted towards a certain type of woman.. one that I thought I needed, thought I wanted. The problem was, I didn’t know myself well enough. DON’T SETTLE. On anything.

    • BROOKEandMCKENZIE October 23, 2011 at 9:52 pm #

      Thank you for this comment. It really means a lot to us to hear this from someone that has been there and experienced the full side of what we are talking about. Sorry to hear about the disappointments you have had with these women but it seems to be true, we often attract the same kind of person over and over again and are not even sure why.

      All the best.

  2. BougieHippie October 22, 2011 at 6:57 pm #

    Girl, I ask again… Where you find these dudes at?

  3. will date for free food October 25, 2011 at 2:53 pm #

    Like usual, I hear you! My ex and I broke up about 5 months ago–he broke up with me. At times I am still so confused about why we broke up. In my head we were perfect for each other. At first, I even convinced myself we would be together again in the future. We talked occasionally and I compared every other guy to him, saying they just weren’t as good as him. But I then had to FINALLY give myself a reality check. He broke up with me because he couldn’t see himself with me in 10 years. I had to accept that, it was something out of my control–just because I thought we would be together didn’t change the way he felt about me. I also had to realize that these guys I was meeting just weren’t for me. My non-existent feelings had nothing to do with my ex. And I know that when I find the next guy, I will laugh at how much more of a connection I have with him then I did with the ex.

    Great post!

    • Brooke and Mckenzie (@BROOKEnMCKENZIE) October 25, 2011 at 9:46 pm #

      Thank you!

      And yeah it can be so hard to sometimes admit that someone may not reciprocate the feelings you have towards them. Especially if at some point they did and suddenly they don’t anymore.

      Glad you were able to work through it and realize that. I feel the same way, I definitely look back and feel ridiculous compared to what I have now but it’s always hard to imagine at times you will find someone even better especially right after a break up.

      Brooke and Mckenzie

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