I’m addicted to men. I can’t stop looking at them, and when I speak to one I constantly wonder what his penis looks like. I know it’s not polite to think of everyone that way, but even the guys on the subway. It’s like a pastime. I think to myself, circumcised or not? Small or big? Trimmed or wild? I know I have my own preferable answers, but I just can’t help but wonder.
I also truly believe I can’t be friends with an attractive guy. I have plenty of guy friends, but don’t find them attractive one way or another, be it personality or looks. For example, I’m friends with a tall man with a fantastic body and a decent face. There is absolutely not a chance in hell that I would ever date him, however, because he is just a strange guy. He’s my friend that I invite when it’s lacking entertainment and we need someone to put on a show. He’s also someone I would call if I need a bear hug and a laugh. No matter how many times he has tried to kiss me (and even when he succeeds now and then :P) I know I could never date him. It’s funny too because when we kiss, somehow we remain completely platonic.
On the other side of the spectrum, there’s a guy I recently met who I know I would never choose out of a bunch of attractive guys. He is tall, adorable, but a little too young. He is also outgoing, tall, and has a great friend personality. Does this mean I can be friends with him? Sure. Does it mean I can be friends with him without imagining his penis and if he’s interested in me another way? Absolutely not. Since I met him, I have wondered everything. I’m older, yes, but he mentioned he dated an older girl in the past. This had nothing to do with me, I know. This does not matter to my men obsessed brain because it makes me think, hey maybe he wants to date me.
To make matters worse, I see him every day. I won’t say how, but I do. We are constantly in contact, but it bothers me that he doesn’t ask to hang out with me afterwards, or on weekends. He will sit with me, eat with me, walk with me, but when time comes to go our separate ways, my boy craziness says “WHY DON’T YOU WANT ME TO COME OVER AND SCREW YOUR BRAINS OUT!”
I know as well, that if I did screw him, I would be uninterested and probably screw (pun intended) the rest of my time knowing him up. I always wonder if he doesn’t want me to hang out because of this fact.
In any case, I want to screw him, and I really hope I don’t f*ck it up just due to that little fact. Damn, I really need to learn a way to turn off the desire part of my brain 9 am to 5 pm… I need to go man hunting.